This post was inspired by the random social media profiles across the World Wide Web with an added touch of humor, that you might or might not find funny. Obviously there are more than five types of Ethiopian men online, one might even say that categorising could be offensive but, I really do not mean any offence.
1. THE AVERAGE JOE
The guy next door might live in Addis Ababa, Harar or Nazret or any large city for that matter in Ethiopia. He is usually self-employed or employed as the student of the year. Offline he walks around town holding hands with his best friend and he lives for catcalling women walking down the street.
Regardless of his employment as student of the year, he can’t spell English to save his life but yet insists on posting and commenting in English. He has his Facebook photos taken professionally and has them photoshopped to look oh so swaggy and might at times message random women with messages like: ‘u r so beaty’, ‘so swet’ ‘sex’, or hiiii’.
He might have his favourite European Football club blasted everywhere on his profile and uses pseudonames such as habesha, sew, man, or Ethio online.
2. THE ADDIS ABABA SWAGGER
He is oh so swaggy in his colourful jeans hanging low, lazy shoe with hidden socks and Chris Brown photocollages, he posts photos of himself taken on his Samsung Trend or iPhone 3.
He is usually employed at ‘Loading Swag… ████████████████ 100% Complete’ or Cash Money Records’ Ethiopian division and his pseudonames include swag, swag, swäggä, WÏZZÝ ÊTHÏØ, swagger, swagga or swaggerman. You get the jist.
He is very opinionated with his several pseudo-inspirational quotes but usually just wants to lives his swaggy life.
3. THE NEGGADE/ NEW MONEY
He has money and wants you to know it. He has a car and wants you to know it.
And he works at ‘Ma Own Busines’.
Offline he wears a lot of perfume and aftershave, prefers to wear the same label t-shirt to match his scent. If he goes abroad he will flood his timeline with him posing in front of random buildings, expensive stores and cars. He might even take a picture with an Asian or Ferenj baby and post it in an album called ‘Teddy sweet’.
He too, is a repetitive offender of the English language, which most probably will be portrayed in his posts and offline on his business signs and ads. He will probably send friend request to every pretty girl he sees online, regardless if he knows her.
Offline you can see him sporting tattoos saying ‘only God can judge me’ or ‘the Lord is shepherd’. Although his tattoos might sport religious wordings, he always names his business after himself. Shout to Henny/Danny/Temesgen/Abraham/Bruck Photo/Studio/Pharmacy/Fashion/Style.
4. THE DIASPORA
He is part of the diaspora and wants you to know it. He might be a taxi-driver, an engineer or a DJ abroad but who cares, he is and always will be a diaspora.
When he comes to Ethiopia, he will take endless pictures of his food, him posing in front different monuments and him cheering with his St. George beer or tejj. He is not shy to accidentally pay in dollars or show his American passport. I just asked you, where you’re from. No actual proof needed. Surprisingly the name in his passport isn’t even Henny Texas or Sami Dallas.
Offline, you can find him drinking coffee in Kaldi’s and complaining loudly about the traffic in Addis and how reckless people’s driving is. Hell, he might even complain that the toothpick in Ethiopia isn’t straight enough.
His favorite pickup lines are, “Hey, I think I know you from London”, “Do you know any place to have fun around here? I left long time ago”.
5. THE ASPIRING MODEL
He is cool and wants you to know it. He takes selfies but doesn’t think it emasculates him, he likes to look good and look away in his pictures. He usually has tattoos of either a lion, an Ethiopian cross or something in geez tattooed on his chest or arms. He works out a lot and isn’t afraid to show it off. These types of men can usually be found in the States or Europe but increasingly are being spotted around Addis too.
ANCHINESH – Rebekah D.